Get to Know Me

A couple of years ago I had fun with a facebook app called Get to Know Me. It was a simple app consisting of a few short questionnaires. The questions were mostly only one or two words long, designed to prompt similarly short answers. However, there was a generous limit to the length of the answers accepted, and so I had fun trying to shape my answers so as to form a conversation.

Here are two Get to Know Me questionnaires, reproduced for your amusement.

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Basics

Full Name:

Tom McDonnell

Single or Taken:

There's just one of me... What do you mean by 'taken'?

Sex:

Taken by sex? No not presently. Now's not the time.

Birthday:

Yes. That would be a better time. On the evening of my birthday, visit me.

Sign:

When you approach my door, knock thrice in quick succession. I will be waiting.

Siblings:

If you have attractive sisters, then by all means bring them along.

Eye colour:

What you have on now is fine. But make your sisters look like whores.

Shoe size:

Go for style rather than comfort. You will not be wearing them long. High heels.

Height:

The higher the better. I trust you can walk on them elegantly?

Country born:

That is unfortunate. A lower heel then. What vehicle will you be arriving in?

Innie or Outie:

Take the Audi. I have not heard of that first make and so will not recognise it.

What are you wearing right now:

My chainsaw chain is in need of replacement. Err, I mean - A double-breasted three-piece pin-striped suit by Louis Vuitton.

Where do you live:

On Wall Street.

Righty or lefty:

Take a left from Broadway when heading south.

Any pets:

Excellent suggestion. Nothing excites me more than to see and feel a soft, warm, furry animal, rubbing and nuzzling against me, blissfully unaware of its impending violent death. Bring any pets you and your sisters may have.

Where do you work?:

On Wall Street.

When did you start using Facebook?:

I don't know what you mean. My tan is naturally radiant.

How much time do you spend on Facebook a day?:

I told you I have not been to a salon in months.

Do you own a cell phone?:

I work on Wall Street.

Do you like to text?:

TuTechxt though German, are an inferior manufacturer. Stick to the Japanese.

Play an instrument?:

Another good suggestion. I shall seduce you with sax.

Have any Tattoos?:

No, but if you have needles and ink, bring them along. We can have some fun with those items.

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Favourites

Favorite kind of pants:

Thank you detective. But what of these two corpses?

Favorite Number:

Mine too. There is something alluring about a pair. But that the dead number two is pure coincidence.

Boys Name:

I did not know his name. Pity his face was so badly burned. Perhaps his name is Ash.

Girls Name:

...Pamela? Even dead she is ravishing. Though her blood has stopped, mine is pumping.

Animal:

Detective, lust though admittedly primal, is concomitant with man's nature as well as beast's.

Drink:

Alcohol has nothing to do with it. When I taste lust's sweet elixir, I feel a competitive urge akin to...

Sport:

Yes! Exactly that. But I digress. Where were the victims found?

Fast-Food Place:

I see. And how long had they been in the freezer?

Month:

That long? Pamela still looks deliciously fresh. I so enjoyed her strip shows. Unfortunately I was -

Band:

Yes. Following an incident involving a gerbil and a can of mace. But if you'll excuse me I have something to return.

Movie:

Thats right. I'm returning videotapes. I must return "Rapefest at Tiffany's".

Breakfast:

No. What I said was - Never mind. Detective you are wasting my time. You have nothing on me.

Perfume:

The gerbil in that bottle had nothing to do with the one at the strip club.

Cologne:

So my cologne bottle contained fragments of her skull. So what?

Favourite cartoon character:

The Bananaman tattoo I gave her is completely unrelated to any act I may later have performed.

Color:

That the color of the paint found at the scene exactly matches that of my car I suppose does need explanation.

Food:

For thought? Indeed. What must I do to clear my name?

Ice Cream?:

Must you talk in euphemisms? If a semen sample is necessary, I will provide it. All I need is a cup.

Shoes:

You offer me your shoes? Very well. Give me the shoes. But I can't fill them here.

Place to relax:

Yes. Somewhere private. I am not an exhibitionist when it comes to things of this nature.

Magazine:

I need no stimulation. My imagination alone will suffice.

Person to hang out with:

A seductive female officer though could be of welcome assistance. At the clinic I'm left all alone.

Place to go on the weekends:

That's right. I visit a sperm clinic on weekends. Normally what gets me off is to imagine a girl in her negligee...

Thing to wear to bed:

Helluva thing. I don't know about you, but even thinking about it is getting me randy.

Time to shower:

I know, I know, but I'm so close and you still haven't given me your shoes! Hurry up man! I told you I need to return some videotapes.

TV show:

No, damn it. A movie. I told you, "Rapefest at Tiffany's".

Season:

I believe it was set in Spring.

Holiday:

We all need a holiday. Your job ain't so tough. Pushing goddamn pencils all day.

Smell:

Occasionally you must visit the morgue, granted. But to me this place smells terrific.

Perfume/cologne:

Yes. A very arousing scent.

Memory:

O how it haunts me! That night at the fast-food place!

Book:

No! I've slipped! Your treacherous questions have befuddled me!

Thing about the opposite sex:

They seduce you with their looks and charm, then when you beat off on their corpses, you get booked!

Cereal:

I'm not sure two victims qualifies me as a serial killer.

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Evidently the questionnaires above were completed at a time when I was reading or had just read American Psycho, by Brett Easton Ellis.